"In the end, nothing we do or say in this lifetime will matter as much as the way we have loved one another." — Daphne Rose Kingma
Love and grief are inseparable-you cannot have one without the other. Grief enters our lives because we love, and while that concept is simple, living through it is anything but.
In the early days of loss, when everyone else has returned to their routines, we are left with the weight of what once was and what no longer is.
Our minds feel foggy ( grief brain is a real thing), our bodies foreign ( and it does keep a score).
Sleep is elusive, appetite unpredictable. Breathing feels optional. In those moments, continuing can feel impossible.
Friends and family want to help, but they don't always know how-and in our grief, we often lack the energy to guide them. But grief is not a problem to be solved. The most comforting truth is that nothing anyone says or does can truly take away the pain.
If you are a friend or family member looking for ways to support someone in grief, this guide is for you:
How to Support a Grieving Loved One
- Let them grieve in their own way.
You don't want them to be in pain-but you can't fix this or cheer them out of it. Let them cry all the time or not at all. Let them repeat the same details, even if they don't make sense to you. Let them fear losing more loved ones-that's called catastrophizing, and it's a natural response to living through a real catastrophe.
- The hardest part is also the simplest: Just let them be.
Let them stay in bed. Let them be sad, angry, frustrated, jealous. Witness their pain and validate it. Don't try to fix them. Don't try to "bright-side" them. Just sit with them.
- Offer specific help.
Grievers often struggle to ask for what they need. Instead of "Let me know if you need anything," try:
- "I can pick up the kids on Wednesday."
- "I'll bring you lunch today."
- "I'll take care of Sunday dinner."
- "I can walk the dog or clean the litter box."
- ”I can drop off groceries tomorrow night.”
- Ask how you can support them-but understand they may not know.
A simple, helpful question: "How can I support you best?"
Know that they may not have an answer, especially in the early days. Keep checking in.
Keep offering help. Keep showing up-even if they don't respond.
- Texts you can send:
- "Just checking on you."
- "How's your heart today?"
- "Sending love and hugs."
- "I'd like to come sit with you. We can talk or just be quiet."
- "Do you want me to just listen, or would you like my thoughts?"
- "I'm holding hope for you."
- "I'm always here-call or text anytime."
- "I'm so sorry for your loss."
- "I wish I had the right words, but please know I care."
- "My favorite memory of [loved one's name] is..."
- Say their name , text or call on all the important dates, you won’t upset anyone. Grievers want you to acknowledge their loved ones and be seen.
- Sometimes, words aren't needed. Just being there, offering a hug, or sitting in silence can be more powerful than anything you say.
- What not to say:
Avoid everyday questions like "How are you?" — it can feel impossible to answer. Instead, try gentler check-ins (see #5 for examples).
- "Do you feel better now?" (They won't "get better," but they will learn to live differently.)
- "She's in a better place.“
- ”I can’t imagine..”
- "At least you have your memories."
- "At least she lived a long life."
( try not to use anything that starts with “ AT LEAST” )
- "Thank God he didn't suffer."
- "God needed another angel."
- "Everything happens for a reason."
- "Aren't you over it yet?"
- "You can always have another child.”
- "Be strong."
- ” I know how you feel”- everyone experiences grief differently, and while you may have faced a similar loss, know your feelings are uniquely your own.
There is no single “right” way to show up for someone in grief, and this list isn’t a perfect solution for every griever or every well-intentioned supporter. No matter how much both sides try, grievers will inevitably be hurt by others who mean well but don’t fully understand.
Grief is not something to be rushed or fixed. Grievers don’t need to be fixed, they aren’t broken. The best support comes from sincere presence, comforting patience, and unconditional love.
Keep showing up with love, hope and the belief that your griever will figure it out.
With love, MAXs Momz.
